4th Draft
Introduction
Everything I have today in my life was once but a dream. A dream that seemed so far from being obtained that obtaining it became my life goal. But here I lay in the bed I made, amongst everything I could possibly want. I have a foundation that doesn’t move, running water, material possessions, health, wealth, and most significantly, control over all 24 hours of my day… every day.
Yet I lay here feeling lost. I have no purpose, no goals, no ambition. I have no lust for life. I look around and I am blown away by how hard the person must have worked to get here. To have all this. And yet that person was me. I am living beyond the dreams of a younger me but I’m realizing I never stopped to consider what would happen if I finally got what I had always dreamt for. What would happen when I obtained this fortress of solitude?
Body
When I was a kid, I never thought about what I wanted to do in my life. Being an adult always felt so far away, even though I wanted to be one so bad.
The freedom they had was incredible. They could eat when they want, live where they want, and drive where they want.
So as soon as I could I got a job. I started as a bike mechanic, then a dishwasher at Panera Bread, and in college I got my dream starter job at Trader Joe’s.
During college I got a job at trader joes unloading the grocery truck at 4am till 1pm. I would then drive to the metro station Arcadia and take it to explore downtown. I would bring my camera and photograph people, buildings, anything that would fit in the frame. It was bliss.
This was when the idea was born, what if I could make a career with a camera in my hands? What if I could be a creative?
I used to love cameras and the idea of even making a dollar from one was such a dream that it felt large enough to be a life goal. No one I knew made money with a camera.
When I decided to persue this dream, it felt so good. Finally after all this time I had a life purpose. Up to this point, I had had a good work ethic but I had no motivation, no place to direct it. I had no hobbies. But once I realized how much I love cameras and that if I tried maybe I could create a career, I was hooked.
So that became my life goal. To make a dollar with a camera. Small I know, but it was a symbol of me of freedom. To pick my path and follow through was so exciting to me.
I busted my ass, I met anyone I could, I did any job I could, so many free jobs, 7.25 an hour working in Louisiana. Gotta love the federal minimum wage.
Making that money was a reassurance in my life. All of the sudden this dream I had had, came true. I was making money not with a camera directly in my hands but I was associated with the camera, I was on my way.
I took that spark and built on it. I got into the international cinematographers guild here in Hollywood. I struggled to find work. I got on unemployment. I felt like a loser. I was paying these union dues that I couldn’t even find union work to work on. At this time California was very slow with union work because tax incentives were chasing work out of state like the new cute girl in class.
So I decided to make things when I was unemployed. The weeks between jobs. And I started putting them online.
I was in such a good place. Still poor living in my car, but I was motivated beyond belief. I was working on myself with a camera in my hands, working at the occasional studio in Hollywood. I was growing both in my professional life and in my personal life at exorbitant rates.
But as luck has it, preparation meets opportunity, one day I finally broke fully into hollywood. I went from not having any calls about jobs to being able to pick what jobs I wanted to do and what jobs I didn’t. Friday night overnight shoot, no thanks! High paying pizza commercial, not for me. I want story.
Today I’ve been making money thanks to a camera now longer than I bagged groceries, made sandwiches, washed dishes, and fixed bicycles combined! My tax return says film maker.
Looking back it felt like a long period of time but very quickly I went from being unemployed, to 100,000, 200,000, and 300,000 all thanks to cameras. All with a high school diploma.
But the cost of that $300,000 a year paycheck was my time. I was only able to sell my labor and gear to these studios while I operated it. And so I did. 60 hours a week, no problem, 70 hours a week sign me up, Saturday double time, yes. I wanted it all.
But the cost was greater than I ever considered. I put down my own camera down, I stopped writing. I missed every single family function because I was “working”. Every birthday, every Sunday lunch. One year I only saw my mom 3 times, even though she only lived 1 freeway and 35 miles away. I had shallow relationships with friends and lovers. Putting them on the shelfs like they are shelf stable.
It took me a long time to figure this out. But when I became a shift worker, working 12 plus hours a day, 5 days a week I fell off from this world. The world continues to move, to change, to advance. Yet I stayed the same.
Friends and family start and end things, have experiences, and what are you doing…. working. “I’m working”. But that’s okay because I was making thousands, hundreds of thousands. My bank account was growing, my material possessions were growing. But I wasn’t. I didn’t have time to think about my life, to think about my problems. Problems aren’t problems if you don’t acknowledge them, to think about my relationships. Because I would blink and it would be another paycheck, another credit, another job, another year another year
Today I feel I have just begun to wake up. It feels like yesterday I was 21 years old making videos on my own. So positive, so excited for life. Nothing could stop me besides me.
This is hard to say as a 28 year old but I feel lost today, depressed. Everything I had ever wanted I have got. I have a foundation that doesn’t move, running water, material possessions, health, wealth, and most significantly, control over all 24 hours of my day… everyday. But today, I find it hard to get out of bed on most days.
I feel that I have been investing in the wrong things. Money, career growth, relationships only for the purpose of what they will do for me. I feel stunted at 29. I feel I have the dating maturity of a much younger man and it shows.
As long as you are progressing in society you can get away with almost anything. But once you stop you have to find a new excuse as to why it isn’t working. I find thoughts from a teenage me creeping back into my life. Thoughts of why am I here? What is my purpose? I don’t feel connected to the world, how long will this depression last?
Conclusion
Today I wake up more mornings than not filled with shame. Shame that I have a stack of wasted yesterdays that overpower me and cause me to waste today. I look back at my 20s filled with chasing money and thinking it was the key to my happiness, only to get here and realize how wrong I was. No amount of money in the world matters if you don’t have your health. If you don’t have fulfillment. If you don’t have anyone to share it with. It just doesn’t matter (bill Murray at the front of that faces sample)
I rewrote this video many times to hide these words. I am depressed.
As a teenager I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide more than I care to admit. I think that is a result of growing in the modern age and of growing up struggling with religion. Thinking about life after death as a 10 year old is something I wish upon no kid.
It’s easy to not be depressed when I don’t have time to think about it. To fill my life with material and financial goals that keep me looking to the future instead of dealing with Today. Chasing money, chasing a career, chasing a better life is the best receipt for keeping depression at bay for me. That is my 24 hour news network. But there is a difference between keeping depression at bay and dealing with it.
If you ask anyone who knows me, either personally or professionally, I’ve done a pretty good job at keeping the demons of my mind at bay. All while advancing through society like a good citizen.
Today I live in my fortress of solitude, something I have wanted for so long. But today I realize I never took the time to picture what my life would be like once I achieved my dreams. What would motivate me to wake up in the morning? What would keep me going?
Over the past years of pushing and pursuing my dreams I have neglected potentially my important asset and that is my mind. I have solved all the physical and material problems of my world but what does that leave behind. Me, myself, and my gray matter.
Depression has always been hard for me to speak about. I feel ashamed because what do I have to be depressed about? I have health, wealth, and time. But the difference between my depression and what I see in others is I know how to fix it. I can get another job, I can cash another paycheck. I can push depression farther down the line. And just pray I never have enough time off to deal with it.
All this brings me back to where I began. What is my purpose? Where is my fulfillment? When I am lying on my death bed how much will those commas in my bank account make all this worth it. Or will I look back realizing it represents my selfishness and the years I spent running from myself. Scared to be who I hope I can be.
So much time has gone by since I sat down and looked at myself. Looked at myself fully without judgment, without bias, without this ego. I realize I don’t love who I’ve become. Younger me would be proud of what I have done and what I have achieved but I wouldn’t be proud of who I am. Sitting here, I see someone who has a lot of work to do. And I can finally say, I’m ready.
And for the first time in a long time I can finally say I’m ready. It ain’t 2009 no more.
Being present is where happiness is.
Transclude of REMember-Mac-Miller#^f2139a